Dealing with it...

I'm not a good mourner. I'm not a good support person when it comes down to being a comfort to others and I've also learned that I'm not good when it comes to people trying to be a comfort to me. I was surrounded by an incredible crowd of people who loved my mother and could barely acknowledge them.

I'm so glad these people were there for family because I know it helped them to hear the sweet memories each had of Mama. I just couldn't handle it all. I guess I grieve best alone.

My sister-in-law, Patsy, took care of Mama's makeup and clothing and she looked wonderful - not overly done (Mama would have hated that). I know it was terribly hard on her doing this, but I'm grateful she did. She and Mike have been a huge support for Daddy. Each time we've spoken with him he said he always knew that Mike would do whatever he asked of him. I told Daddy that was because he taught us to be honorable and Mike learned that lesson well.

My other brothers were very supportive during all this making sure Mama had a bird feeder outside her window and that Daddy had an ongoing supply of good home-cooked food he could easily heat up. Anything either parent needed, they'd be there to do.

At the funeral I got to see my mother's cousin. I remember Mama talking about Beulah and how they were more like sisters growing up. Seeing my own cousins again was precious. I'm afraid I wasn't too conversational, though. I couldn't focus on anything outside of Mama being gone.

More people than not told me that she was in a better place, etc but it honestly didn't help. I know all that - I mean I KNOW all that, but I still cannot bear to be without her here on earth. Faith - have faith - it will get you through. Yes, I know, but I got a quote in my email this morning that said it best for me: Faith makes it possible, but not easy. It's probably not what Nguyen meant when she said it, but...

I feel such personal loss because that mother/daughter connection is so strong. Mama couldn't have been a better mother - she was everything a daughter could ask for in a living example of how her daughter should live. Mama used to tell me I had all of her plus a bit of my Aunt Peggy thrown in. She often wished she had that fire that Peggy has, but it just wasn't who she was. No, it would take a lot to get Mama going (and not so much for me or Peggy). I know that Mama had a fierce love for me and Peggy and we returned that love so easily.

Now, Daddy is left alone. After 62 years of marriage she is gone. I worry about him, but know that my brothers will be there for him since they all live so nearby. He also has some really close friends there and his church family has been great. But, still, he is without his love.

I pressed a single yellow rose from her coffin blanket. Can't write more now. Have to stop.