I slept all night through for the first time last night in two weeks. I feel like a zombie at times, walking through life with my eyes open but my brain just shot.

By bedtime I am so tired that I can barely wait for my head to hit the pillow and then...I'm awake. And, I mean wide awake. I start thinking, remembering Mama and wondering, "what if." That never makes things better. I have to force myself to not go there.

Night before last, it was Mama and Ana. I sobbed for two hours. Ana would have been 7 years old next week. I would give anything for her to have lived.

So, I make myself go on living. I walk through each day going through the humdrum routine and responding with smiles and conversations where needed. I check email, post my goofy and weird blog entries, do housework, etc - whatever it takes to keep living in my ongoing quest for normalcy once again.