Living without her

I woke up early this morning thinking of Mama. It's one of those deep cutting "missing you" feelings. We shared so much; I really can't think of any subject we didn't talk about. She got great joy from little things we did together while I was still in Macon like shopping and hair coloring. I used to help her can the never-ending supply of tomatoes and we made blackberry jelly together. She would laugh at me as we shopped for fabric and then I'd end up spending 45 minutes looking for the perfect buttons. She thought my love of buttons hilarious.

She would talk about family with all the joys and sorrows. That part never stopped because several years back we bought them a web cam. She was tickled that we could see each other as we talked and though we were so many miles apart, the daily hour long (many times much longer!) conversations made it as though we were together.

I know David remembers so many times hearing us as she'd have me pull up a dress or pair of shoes she was thinking of ordering online. She talked with joy about her conversations with Peggy. She worried about us kids and her grandchildren because of life choices. She plain out adored her great-grandchildren because they were all still babies, cute and sweet. I don't know that any of them brought as much joy to both Mama & Daddy's lives as Noah did. He lived next door and she would laugh as he'd sit on her lap for hours while she read to him or they would watch television together.

She hated that she had lost her independence. When the neuropathy set in, it took away her freedom. She wasn't able to walk freely or drive. She used a cane at first, but finally succumbed to a walker. I remember our trips to the mall and how she'd get frustrated because she couldn't maneuver through the clothes racks well. But, I also remember helping her try on clothes and how I'd end up carrying a dozen shopping bags while we slowly made it out to the car. She loved being a girl and shopping was a big part of that.

We'd sit and go through magazines, sharing articles, recipes, or pictures of Hollywood stars. We'd talk about books we both loved (we shared a love for biographies). The last movie we went to together was Elizabeth. She and I loved Tudor history and could talk for hours about that subject alone.

Learning to live without her is incredibly hard.