Vicious

From NewsBiscuit.com comes the following story:

An illegal dog fighting ring in Essex has folded after inexperienced criminals attempted to set up a vicious dog fighting ring using golden retriever puppies. Romford police arrested seven suspects yesterday and removed a large quantity of dog-fighting paraphernalia including six spiked dog collars, dog bowls labelled ‘Killer’, ‘Psycho’ and ‘Tyson’, and six cute puppies with a quantity of extra soft toilet tissue.

Police believe Andrex puppies were only used because the organisers were inexperienced and ignorant of the various fighting breeds banned under the Dangerous Dogs Act. One of the seized ‘dog fight’ videos shows the ringleader, Degsy Naylor, putting two puppies into an improvised fighting pit and then urging them on with cries of ‘Get him, boy’, ‘Hold him, Psycho!’, and ‘Tear him! Tear him up good!’ As the puppies gambol happily around the ring and frolic with some toilet paper, voices are heard saying ‘Why ain’t they fighting?’ and ‘I don’t think this is how it’s supposed to work, you know. Maybe we should try Labrador puppies instead?’

'We’ve never come across gangs using eight week old golden retrievers,’ said Detective Hooper of the Essex police. ‘This gang were trying to organize illegal gambling on which dog would tear the other apart, but the scam failed when the little puppies just licked their brother and sister’s noses and then fell asleep across each other in an adorable pose.’

The whole gang are now in custody after police tracked down the ‘mastermind’ of the whole operation at his mansion outside Chingford. They entered the property despite the gangster warning them ‘Take one more step and I’ll set my kittens on you.’

I think News Biscuit is my new favorite site.