Getting on with living

I really don't have trouble with everyday life. I stay busy with family, friends, & work. 2009 was incredibly hard with Mama's illness and death. For the longest time I would cry at the drop of a hat about losing her, but time has passed and I don't have the same long feelings of grief. Don't get me wrong - I will be busy and all of a sudden something obscure will remind me that she is no longer here. I was coloring my hair the other day and used a new item and immediately thought, "I need to call Mama and tell her about this. She'll love it!" When the reality hits it hits hard even when brought about by trivial things.

Macon. I walk into her home and find Daddy so glad to see us and yet dealing with the loss of his beloved. There are several things that he does every time we're here. One is pointing out a large portrait of Mama they had painted while in Korea. He loves the portrait and yet says it makes him cry every time he looks at it. He told me last night that he carries the original photograph in his wallet. This morning he came in to tell me to look through her closet at her hair styling stuff - old blow dryers, etc and take any or all of it if I wanted it. I told him I just wanted Mama. He said, "I know honey, but you can't have her back."

I look around at all the silk flower arrangements that she made. Most of them bring me back to our trips to Michaels to purchase the flowers and then coming back and her teaching me how to arrange them. The curtains and tablecloth in their dining room remind me of the hours we spent cutting them out and sewing. Daddy still refers to the chair in the living room as "Mama's chair." This house was made a home by my mom. And, it tears me up that she's no longer here.

I have to get on with living. Macon makes that hard. I'm posting these two pictures of me with Daddy because I need to start thinking in terms "Daddy" and not "Mama and Daddy."

I believe this is from the original daguerreotype ;o)

This was made last night.