Everything Has Changed

One of my new favorite reads comes from blogger Caleb Wilde, author of Confessions of a Funeral Director.

After Mama died, we'd go up for visits with Daddy and the house was just not the same because Mama was so intrinsically tied to the house. With Daddy having recently died I've had trouble even thinking about going back to his and Mama's home. It was once filled with so much joy, warmth and laughter from family and friends.

Caleb guest posted to another blog this morning and this quote from that post rang true:

You open the door like you have so many times before, but this time the familiarity of the house is unexpected different, dark and lonely. What once housed parties, life and love now houses something you’ve never known before. Like a river, everything is in the same place it was when you last saw it, but this home has changed.

You can read his full guest post here. Caleb's heart-felt look at life and death can be found here.

Together again, at last.

Good and busy

Just talked for a long time with Daddy. He sounds good and busy. There's nothing like cooler weather and a new fall garden to make him happy. He told me all about planting collards and getting sugar cane ready to go. The details of how all this works are what keeps him going sometimes, I think!

We must have talked for an hour and David is now on the phone with him. He said Mike and Patsy were just taking excellent care of him which means so much to me. It's past time for us to get up to Macon for a visit. We'll be making that trip soon.

He always asks about Adam and Shonda and then about Sean. He tells me each time we talk about the painting of Mama they had done in Korea. Then that leads to how much he misses her. All I can do is try not to cry and tell him we all were so blessed to have had her.

Daddy

Just spent time talking with Daddy. His stuttering, which appeared shortly after Mama died, didn't seem quite as pronounced as usual. It was still there, but not as bad. I keep telling him he should sing like Mel Tillis and he laughs every time as if it's the first time I told him.

We had our moment of near tears. We do every time we talk. It always revolves around Mama. He said he knows how much I miss her but, "You'll never begin to know how hard it is for me." All I can do is affirm that. I tell him I know it has to be hardest for him of all those she left behind.

He talked of how good Mike (my brother) is to him - how he can always depend on Mike. I can't begin to say how much that means to me. There's a dignity to that - a father coming to the point that he has to depend on others - and how much easier that it is his oldest son. I know it's hard for my brother, but for my daddy - it's just "right" and I'm so thankful for him and Patsy and how they are taking precious time from their lives to be there for Daddy.

Mike took him to a local funeral home for the visitation of a dear friend of his from- - - must be at least 50 years. He said he saw the widow, broken and in tears and then he told me he lost it. He broke down and just couldn't take it any longer. Daddy said Mike came and took him by the arm and brought him home.

Getting on with living

I really don't have trouble with everyday life. I stay busy with family, friends, & work. 2009 was incredibly hard with Mama's illness and death. For the longest time I would cry at the drop of a hat about losing her, but time has passed and I don't have the same long feelings of grief. Don't get me wrong - I will be busy and all of a sudden something obscure will remind me that she is no longer here. I was coloring my hair the other day and used a new item and immediately thought, "I need to call Mama and tell her about this. She'll love it!" When the reality hits it hits hard even when brought about by trivial things.

Macon. I walk into her home and find Daddy so glad to see us and yet dealing with the loss of his beloved. There are several things that he does every time we're here. One is pointing out a large portrait of Mama they had painted while in Korea. He loves the portrait and yet says it makes him cry every time he looks at it. He told me last night that he carries the original photograph in his wallet. This morning he came in to tell me to look through her closet at her hair styling stuff - old blow dryers, etc and take any or all of it if I wanted it. I told him I just wanted Mama. He said, "I know honey, but you can't have her back."

I look around at all the silk flower arrangements that she made. Most of them bring me back to our trips to Michaels to purchase the flowers and then coming back and her teaching me how to arrange them. The curtains and tablecloth in their dining room remind me of the hours we spent cutting them out and sewing. Daddy still refers to the chair in the living room as "Mama's chair." This house was made a home by my mom. And, it tears me up that she's no longer here.

I have to get on with living. Macon makes that hard. I'm posting these two pictures of me with Daddy because I need to start thinking in terms "Daddy" and not "Mama and Daddy."

I believe this is from the original daguerreotype ;o)

This was made last night.

the locket

I found this among the jewelry Daddy had me bring home yesterday. This is proof positive that the worth in an object lies in the memories.

Two people I love dearly

Mama 1946

Daddy & Mama 1958

Daddy

"The most important thing a father can do

for his children is to love their mother."

I talked with Daddy last night, asking about his doctor appointment Friday. He told me they'd changed his meds, but that he was feeling good - tired, but good. He sounds tired.

He still doesn't have his computer, but as usual, is patient about waiting for its repair to be completed. I am so not my father's daughter in this regard. I inherited my mother's impatience. Mama and I used to laugh about our wanting something done "yesterday" instead of right then. He has taken to describing his computer as being company for him. He says that it's late in the evenings when things get quiet and lonely for him that the computer helps take his mind off missing Mama.

Daddy spoke of how he's learned to make his bed. He is so proud of that accomplishment. He said again how much he appreciates Mike and Patsy for their on-going care of him. His washing machine broke down and he says he never has to worry about clean clothes because they come regularly to take care of his laundry and keep things straightened up around the house. Mike brings meals to him that he and/or Patsy prepare often, too. They are going to church with him on Sunday nights (and I think some Sunday mornings) and Daddy is proud as can be that they do this. It's such a relief to know that they lovingly care for him.

Daddy has his hand on Mike's shoulder

We'll be heading up for a visit soon.

Talking with Daddy

I call and talk with Daddy at least a couple of times each week. Every single time we end up crying together. At least until tonight. This is the first time we were able to make it through a conversation while talking about Mama without crying.

Daddy talked tonight about trying to take care of Mama's houseplants and her flowers outside. Neither are Daddy's preferred gardening plants. He loves growing vegetables. But tonight, he spoke of lovingly caring for each plant in the dining room Mama had painstakingly cared for.

He'd spent the day with friends from the old days of Bethesda eating barbecue and potato salad. I'm so glad he has friends who take that extra step to call and invite him to things like this. He always has a funny story to tell about "remember when..." each time.

But, we always end with two things. We always say how much we miss Mama and he always - always - tells me, "I love you, Darlin'!" before he hangs up.

Coping

Just spent time talking with Daddy. He still misses Mama so very much, so the call was filled not only with memories but with a lot of tears. It's incredibly hard for me to hear my father sob. He was so strong and stoic for all my life because that's the way he was brought up - men didn't cry. Men made a living for the family and took care of business while providing the deep yet reserved love needed.

A long time friend died yesterday. I'd been told about the illness a few weeks ago and knew the prognosis wasn't good, but chose not to tell Daddy. Between the stroke(s) and heart problems plus Mama's passing I just didn't think it would help for him to know. He heard the news yesterday from one of my brothers and sent me this:

"I don't know if I'm up to attending his funeral...I'd probably cry more than Christine ..I've got to where I'm able to sleep all night ...in fact I got up @ 7 o'clock .. but I still reach for Dot during the night - when I do wake up during the night."

It's just so terribly hard. I told him to send flowers and not go to the funeral because right now all things dealing with death brings him back to Mama. He cried and I cried along with him. He talked of Sean, Natasha, guitars, Mike and the garden and how Patsy still takes such good care of his laundry and home. But, most of all, he talked of missing Mama.

I do, too.