Twilight

It's October twilight in Florida and we're doing a simple thing - we're driving toward Bluewater. It all seems way too familiar and sad. Great goodness - I've driven this road so many times, so why does this time seem heavy...sad?

This time in October of 2008 we began our weekly weekend trips to Macon. Mama was either in the hospital or the nursing home or finally home. She never once lamented about her fate. She always - always - said tht whatever was decided for her would be fine.

My daddy and brothers and sisters-in-law were all great about stepping up and doing what was needed. Since David pastors a church that meant we needed to be here on Sundays. I had to work during the week to bring in a paycheck to help pay the rent. We re-worked our schedules so I'd have Fridays off. That meant every Thursday evening David and I would be in the car headed to Macon to help care for my so beloved - my so very beloved mother. And, that is why this evening seemed so familiar. This was the time. This time of year where here in Florida it is twilight at 6 o'clock and the traffic isn't too bad, where you see deer on the side of the road at any given moment...the time of not only the season's twilight, but my Mama's.

Living in the Joy of the Promise

I've spent much of the last couple of days fighting the depression of my mom's illness and nursing home situation. Listening as my dad pours out his heart is almost too much to bear. I go up as often as I can (every other weekend) but I know it's not nearly enough.

There are different stages of life and this is one that I wish no one had to experience. I spent the morning reading an article entitled "Spiritual Care in Times of Transition" and wonder if or how it might help both my parents:

Some suggestions for spiritual care during transitions that can be shared by all staff (or family):

Marking endings:

• Validate the losses and the feelings those losses provoke.
• Listen to the story of what has been lost and the importance it held in the person's life.
• Suggest ways to mark the ending—whether it be a ritual, creating a remembrance piece, or taking a symbolic action.

Support in the in-between neutral zone:

• Elicit stories of prior changes and transitions they have navigated and help them remember the strengths that got them through those.
• Provide activities that give them a taste of fun and creativity, a reminder that their lives are not all loss and change.
• Encourage them to intentionally practice being grateful even in this difficult time.
• Be present and attentive.
• If it's congruent with their tradition, pray with them and for them.

Celebrating beginnings:

• Create a ritual of celebration and blessing.
• Encourage them to tell their story and share it with others who may be going through a similar transition.
• Ask them what this experience has meant and what they have learned.
• Affirm the future. It may not be the future they once thought they had, but they do have one.

I desperately want the celebration part for my parents. With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up I fear for more depression for both of them. I've given her address to friends and relatives and asked them to send her cards. But, how long can a person stand it when they lose life as they've always known it? To be surrounded by others who are so utterly dependent just as you are has to be incredibly hard to stand. A person would have to be extraordinarily strong emotionally to see joy in it all.

A favorite quote of mine says, "One day we will meet beside the river and our Lord will dry
every tear. For now, we must live in the joy of that promise and recall that for every generation life is hard, but God is faithful." -- Bodie Thoene

It's not always about the present joy. Sometimes, we have to dig deeper and live in the joy of the promise.

Laughter - the best medicine

While Mama was in physical therapy yesterday there would be minutes of just sitting while waiting on either a machine or therapist (they were short-staffed, but doing a great job). We took those moments to just talk. Sean sent me a crazy picture he had taken of himself for her to see:

She got a big kick out of his silly expression and had me send this to him:

I love the sense of humor - laughter is the best medicine to take your mind off your troubles.

A love that continues...

I'm waiting a bit to call and check on my mother. I have to try to hit the times she's not either eating or sleeping. Last night I called to check on my dad to see how he was doing. He gave me his pat, "I'm doing okay for an old fella!" which is always followed by a laugh.

The first day at the hospital he had gotten there at 6:15 in the morning! That concerns me because he needs his rest, too. When I mentioned how early he'd gotten there and told him we all needed him to take care of himself, he said, "Well, darlin', she's all I've got."

Mama sounded stronger last night, but once again, I get conflicting information as to her condition. I'll be going up Sunday and find out for sure then. Meanwhile, please keep praying.

Pray

Every time I think it might be safe to take a normal breath there is a relapse. Please pray for my mom; she's back in the hospital again. This comes after a week of really good progress in her physical therapy. The infection is back.

This, believe it or not, is a picture of two bull mastiffs that visited my mom yesterday at the nursing home. Bella is wearing the purple fairy outfit while Azarel is wearing the fuschia pink. The lady that brought them in to visit does this once a month and it makes a huge difference to those staying at the center.

My mother was thrilled to see them. That's a little difficult to take in because traditionally any dogs my parents have had have always been "outside" only pets. And, if the dog is of any size at all they're just not nuts about them (Henley is a "you are only welcome because we want to see your humans" dog). But, when these very burly jowly pups set foot in Mama's room she lit up with a huge smile, calling for them.

I should have gotten the woman's name but she said she'd be back next month. Hopefully, Mama will be back home by then.

Yes!

We got to Macon late this afternoon and spent the time with my mom. She looks fantastic, and she sounds great! I'm so excited that she is doing well.

Tomorrow we'll spend time with Adam and eat NuWay. And, yes my mom has asked for a NuWay hotdog!

Quick and short:

My loving husband took me to the beach for just a few minutes late this afternoon. He knows that I am nearest to the heart of God while there. And, yes, this goofy old woman you see here is a good picture of how it makes me feel.

I talked to my dad - my mom is improving and he feels she may be coming home soon. But, while on the phone with him, my sister-in-law tried to call (I know she must have been at the nursing home with my mom) so I could talk with my mother. I couldn't hang up on my dad to talk with my mom, so I missed talking with her. Maybe tomorrow?

She's improving! Slowly, but surely and I'm so thankful.

There is to be a meeting tomorrow at the nursing home that should give us a progress report on my mom. I can't be there for it, but hopefully there will be good news.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I'll bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
~ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ~

Today was just about perfect, so I'm holding my breath. Seems like I'm always on the brink of panic because every time I start to feel a bit relaxed something else happens. But, for today, for right now, I'm breathing freely, sort of.

I got a phone call from my mother and she sounded good - weak, but good. And, yes, I'm still slightly holding my breath on this one!

David and I spent a couple of hours at the beach where I waded in the crystal waters of the Gulf. We must have found more than a dozen broken sand dollars. That may not sound like much, but you just don't find shells of any kind too often here. I guess it's a trade off for the turquoise and emerald waters.

Emotional Stress

So - emotional stress. Mother in critical illness mode...nursing homes...Father dealing with it...heart issues for him....brothers (enough said)...church...married to a pastor...church issues...self-employed issues...backed up drains...BAAH!!!! I know. No one wants to hear it. So, I'm just posting here because it's the one place I "might" can post without repercussions. But, because I'm online and "people know people" - that means that there most probably will be repercussions. So, because I'm who I am, here's my thoughts on it:

John 7:24 (NIV) Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment."

Proverbs 26:20 (NLT) Fire goes out for lack of fuel, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.

I know - I sound harsh. Maybe it's the tiredness. Maybe it's the talk. Maybe, just maybe, God needs to enter the equation.

Until you have lived what we're living through right now, then any opinions at all are in peril of being wrong. This family is tired. Confidences that are broken hurt and cause dissension. So, pastor, friend, or anonymous reader, maybe it's time for you to show a bit of mercy and grace because we're in dire need of it here.

Home! I don't care what corny old sayings there are about it, I'm so glad to be home! It was a great visit, but one that allowed for little rest. We got in around 5 yesterday and I went to bed at 6:15 pm. Didn't get up until 7:30 am this morning.

You can see by the picture that my mother is doing much better. I stayed for her first session of therapy yesterday morning and she worked hard. If she keeps it up and we can keep her from having a relapse of the c-diff then hopefully she'll be back home soon.

"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."
~Dorothy Parker~

Some news good, some news bad, some news in-between. Egad! What happened to living a normal life??? I actually long for the day when the worst thing I have to deal with is a piano student who didn't practice. Wait...that happens every teaching day. Umm...okay - I long for the day when the worst thing I have to deal with is too much on my schedule. uh...no, that doesn't work either. I guess I'll go with that wise sage Roseanne Rosannadanna: "Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it's always something."

Gradually improving...

Well, they've called in a bacteriologist for my mom and she's taken her off 2 of the 4 antibiotics in order to try a different route of treatment. Two very good things: 1 - her white blood cell count is down to 14,600 after being way over 31,ooo Saturday. This is a huge improvement. 2- She was sitting up putting on her lipstick and brushing her hair. My mother has always been quite prissy and girly. The last time I was up to stay with her in the hospital she had me give her a French manicure.

The bad is that she still isn't eating enough. I guess if person goes for an extended time without solid food, it's just hard to start back. I told her this morning that my plans were to be there either Friday night or early Saturday and she needed to eat so that she'd know and remember I was there!

I'm losing my laughter...

"...Don't be dejected and sad,
for the joy of the LORD is your strength!"

With my mother's failing health and so many more pressures of life I find I'm losing my laughter. I guess that's an appropriate reaction to life. But, I've always found laughter to be my stress reliever. It's always been the way I've dealt with pressures. This pressure has done me in and I'm losing my laughter.

Why does laughter matter? Its absence is one of the first indicators that something has tarnished our soul, stolen our joy.When we are badly in need of renewal, when sin has taken root in our lives, when our prayers grow dull or discouragement sets in, we seldom see it right away, but others seeking God's presence in us leave empty. That's a big loss. Virelle Kidder in "Meet Me at the Well"

I know what is right; I know that my God goes before me in times of trouble. And yet, I am nearing a state of despair. It doesn't make sense. How can a person know in her heart of hearts who God is and understand so completely that He is in control find herself feeling so despondent?

It's hard for me to look at this as lack of faith. I believe I'm in a state of grief, not mourning. So I will continue to lean into the arms of the One Who carries me close to His heart.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
~Jesus Christ~

It's been a day of ups and downs. After the phone call earlier today I was ready to pack my bags and head back up to Macon. I prayed and prayed having received two differing views at how she was doing. It was maybe a short hour after that first call that the phone rang and it was my mom wanting to talk with me!! She sounded very tired, but she was coherent and ready to get back on track of getting well.

I called back later and talked with her a second time and she asked pertinent questions that let me know her mind was as sharp as ever. I teased her saying that if she's going to get this sick when I come up to see her that I didn't see that as an exactly welcoming sign! And, I told her I needed her to get well for me. She said, "Baby, I'm ready to get well for anybody right now!" I loved that! The next time I called, my sister-in-law inferred that she felt many times Mama would say whatever people wanted to hear. I am just not going there. I need to have faith that she means what she says, right now. I talked with her again after finishing my conversation with my sis-in-law and she told me all that the doctors had said, what the planned diet is to be, etc. She may be 82 years old and very sick, but she still has her wits about her.

There is a tiny bit of Scripture found in Romans 12 that I've been living with lately: "...Be patient in trouble and always be prayerful." The "always be prayerful" part is easy for me because I'm one of those people who yak on to the Lord all the time. I'm sure there are times that He rolls His eyes and wishes that I'd just hush. But, ask anyone and they'll tell you that patience is tough for me. I don't want things now, I want them yesterday. I want my mother healthy and my life settled. So, I'll continue to strive for patience while I keep on praying. And I do praise God for her turn for the better today.

I love all these old photos of my mother. She is just as beautiful now as she was in her younger days.

Never ending

When Sean and I got to the nursing home to see my mother we were in for a shock. She was very sick. For the last couple of weeks she'd been doing so well, and suddenly a very bad relapse. She was vomiting with chills and tremors. I called my brother, Mike, to let him know (he's the one who has all her records and POA). He told me to make the call as to whether or not she needed to be taken to the emergency room. He also said, "welcome to the real world." The ambulance came and Sean drove me and my dad to the ER. Mike met us there with all the pertinent info. She was just so sick and kept saying that she wanted to go home.

She's back in the hospital with colitis again and we're praying that the mega doses of antibiotics will kick in soon.

All this has my dad really worried. His health isn't good to begin with so his having to live in the house alone while Mama has been in either the hospital or nursing home for the last 7 weeks is bound to affect his outlook.

I slept terribly last night and was up all hours vomiting and having chills. I wondered if I had picked up a bug from Mama. I'm still not eating yet because I just don't think I could hold anything down. I've got to get better so I can get back up to Macon and check on her. The stress level is incredible right now.

My mom is settled in and her first scheduled physical therapy went well. When I talked with her she seemed happy to be on the road to recovery.

To top that off, after sitting in a car dealership for over an hour and a half we now have a Henley-friendly vehicle.

Don't I look a whole lot less stressed?